


open your eyes while you trouble me (expensive lies but you're playing for free)

by bloodredcherries



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Trick or Treat: Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 07:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16471313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodredcherries/pseuds/bloodredcherries
Summary: When Alice Cooper discovered that FP Jones had rejoined the Serpents because Penny Peabody was blackmailing his son, she decided that that was not acceptable. She might not live on the Southside anymore, but she could defend her own just as well as any snake. Giving FP orders was her job, and no one else's. If no one else is going to restore order, she may as well slip on her jacket and do it herself.(canon divergent from Death Proof)





	open your eyes while you trouble me (expensive lies but you're playing for free)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Merit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merit/gifts).



> I saw this prompt on one of your other letters and it grabbed me. I hope you like it. 
> 
> The title comes from 'Out of Your Mind' by Victoria Beckham.

Alice Cooper scowled at the two teenage boys that were sat in front of her, getting grime and general  _ teenage-boy-ness _ all over her clean couch, and she drew in a deep breath. Her attempts to get a straight answer from FP about why on earth he had  _ stayed the Serpent King _ had proved increasingly fruitless, and Elizabeth seemed none the wiser, so, here, Alice was. To say she was disappointed in the latter two went without saying. 

 

Reduced to gleaning information from  _ Archibald _ and FP’s beanie wearing cad of a child. It was almost too much for her to bear. But, for the sake of FP remaining out of prison and hopefully on a path to the straighter and narrower...well, suffice to say, Alice was willing to sacrifice her sanity and her current record of five days without an Archie induced headache. 

 

“Is this because I broke up with Betty?” Jughead dared to asked. Alice scowled.

 

“Right, because I would subject myself to dealing with you  _ and _ your moronic compatriot if I wanted to discuss you stomping on Elizabeth’s heart for  _ absolutely no reason _ , Jughead Jones,” she seethed. “I will deal with that  _ later _ , young man. No, the two of you are here because I  _ know _ that you two borderline delinquents have done something  _ idiotic _ , and you better tell me what it was that you did, because I am  _ not  _ happy with you both.” 

 

“Is this because of that video I released? That was Mr. Lodge’s idea!”

 

“That is another discussion that we need to table, Archibald. I have bigger fish to fry than to explain to you why that video was reckless and idiotic, at the level that you need things to be explained.” 

 

The boys exchanged a confused glance. Alice took a regal sip from her overfilled glass of wine. 

 

“Let’s begin again, shall we? The two of you are clearly wondering why I have summoned you here. I am wondering as well, given that my previous sources have been so utterly disappointing.” She pressed a hand to her forehead. “What I can establish, however, is that the two of you elected to screw up so  _ entirely _ badly, that FP has noticed, and has elected to behave in a manner I  _ deeply _ disapprove of in his typical way of fixing things, that will invariably end up with things -- perhaps literally -- blowing up in his face.” She sighed. 

 

“Now, I typically assume that Archibald here,” she smiled sweetly at the red haired boy, though her eyes were hardened. “I generally assume that of the two of you, he is the one involving himself in situations that cause me displeasure, and put others at risk.” She turned her gaze to the newest member of the Serpents, pursing her lips as she took another sip. “But, yet, I assume that there is not enough love between you and Forsythe to cause him to rejoin that  _ gang _ at the potential expense of things like his...general freedom? Which makes me suspect that  _ Jughead _ is the cause of this completely unacceptable situation.” She took another sip. “So? Care to explain what it is the two of you have done so I can use my valuable time to undo whatever the hell it was?”

 

“You can’t,” Jughead muttered after a moment. “I’ve already tried.” 

 

“Forgive me for thinking that I may be slightly more capable of undoing wrongs than two teenage boys.”

 

“We’re being blackmailed,” Archie exclaimed, and Alice watched Jughead smack him on the arm. “What? It’s true.” 

 

“My dad is going to deal with it,” Jughead hissed. Alice openly rolled her eyes. 

 

“Listen to me, you insolent little shit.” Hal would have been absolutely appalled at how she was speaking to one of their daughter’s friends, but, well, Alice really didn’t much see the point in maintaining pretenses anymore. “You think that I won’t go over to the Southside and question every single inhabitant of it until I find out what the hell the two of you did? Because, I have news for you, I can, and I will. I won’t have your father ruin his second chance at freedom because the two of you think you’re being blackmailed. So, either one of you tells me, or we all go on a field trip throughout the entirety of the Southside. I would hate to have to explain to Fred why we were doing so, Archibald.” 

 

“I needed to get my dad out of jail, okay?” Jughead blurted out. “You know that I don’t have any money, and you know just as well as I do, that they were just going to let him sit there because they have some personal vendetta against him, against me, against everyone on the Southside. So when Tall Boy suggested that I go visit our  _ lawyer _ what was I supposed to do? Not agree to what she offered to get my dad out?”

 

“The Serpents have a  _ lawyer _ in their midsts?” Alice questioned, wondering if Jughead had taken ill. What a ridiculous thought... “I want the name of this lawyer.”

 

“Her name was Penny. Penny Peabody. But, don’t worry. I have an idea.” 

 

Alice felt her facial expression twist into something unpleasant, and she clenched her hands into fists in an attempt to ensure that she behaved in a manner befitting a full grown adult. As if the mention of Penny Peabody wasn’t enough to send her blood pressure through the roof, she really didn’t see Jughead’s idea being soothing to her sanity. 

 

“You have an idea?” She asked, raising a brow. “Do indulge me.”

 

“We’re going to cut off her tattoo,” he said. “She’s breaking the code of the Serpents. She should be ski--”   
  


“You will  _ not _ be doing that,” she insisted. “You cannot mutilate people just because they are breaking Serpent code, Forsythe Pendleton Jones the Third. There are other ways to handle this, and you know that. My God, does your  _ father  _ know that you are planning this? I will call him right now and--”

 

“Dad doesn’t,” Jughead muttered. “He’d rather just cow to her.” 

 

“He’s not cowing to her,” Alice hissed. “Your father is doing what he feels is best, trying to protect you. And you are just going to make things worse! As if I didn’t think that was possible for your father.” 

 

“The two of you will bring me to Penny Peabody, right now,” she said, through gritted teeth. “I will settle this, myself.” 

 

It was  _ Alice’s  _ job to order FP Jones around, not  _ Penny Peabody’s _ , and she was damn sure that the woman was going to be remembering that by the time that Alice Cooper was done with her. 

 

“Get up, children,” she directed. “Come along.” She opened the coat closet and pulled out a leather jacket that hadn’t seen the light of day in decades, slipping off the blazer she’d worn to work that day, and slipping it on. Alice may not have lived on the Southside anymore, but she  _ did _ know the value of occasionally dressing like she was from there. She wasn’t foolish enough to enter whatever lair of snakes that put up with the likes of  _ Penny Peabody _ without her old Serpent jacket on, even though it was making both of her daughter’s...associates, she supposed (Alice was feeling particularly benevolent) stare at her with wide eyes, as if they couldn’t get their brains to process what they saw. 

 

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,” she said, her tone snippy. “I was the Serpent Queen. Do you really think that that article Elizabeth printed in the Blue and Gold was  _ erroneous _ ?” 

 

She shepherded both of the miscreants out the door, taking care to lock it behind her, and she offered a polite wave to Fred, who was openly gawking at the sight of them. 

 

“The children need my help with a journalism conundrum,” she lied. “I promise they’ll return in one piece.”

 

The drive to the Southside was still familiar to Alice after all those years -- not just because of her brief return to...celebrate FP’s retirement -- because, try though she had tried to pretend since she had made her decision to choose stability, and Hal, over her friends and the people that had been her family in the Serpents, and the Southside in general, well, someone who was amazingly more stubborn than her and though she hated to admit it, shockingly wise, had been correct. Snakes  _ didn’t _ shed their skins so easily. 

 

And, of course, it was only for appearances’ sake that Alice took care to apply a fresh coat of lipstick, and freshened up her eyeliner, before she stepped out of the car, in front of a truly seedy tattoo parlor. Even by the standards of the Southside, the place was disgraceful. Alice feared that the children would get some sort of illness by standing in the room too long. That would be an unfortunate conversation to have with FP and Fred. She sensed they would not believe any innocent excuses that she concocted. “The two of you are not to touch  _ anything _ in here. No one is to enquire about getting underage tattoos. You are not allowed to leave my sight. Do not speak to a soul unless  _ I _ direct you two to do so, which, surprise, I won’t, because I do not believe your vocal presence here will help any matters at all.” 

 

“We could just stay in the--”

 

“I don’t think so, Archibald. I know all about your adventures in Southside related depravity. You’re lucky you were allowed to accompany me.” She scowled. “And for God’s sake, take that coat off. Do you have no idea how to read a room? Of course you don’t. Forget I asked.”

 

“...wait,” Jughead said. “You were the Serpent Queen…? With?”

 

Alice pursed her lips. “An old friend,” she settled on. “Why do you ask?”

 

“Was this ‘old friend’ my  _ dad _ ?” Jughead continued. “Because, if so, you should know that he still considers the ‘role of his Queen’ to be filled. Mom used to fight about it with him all the time, when they weren’t fighting about the drinking and his lack of a job.” 

 

“Well, isn’t this a turn up for the books?” Alice practically purred. This was going to be  _ utterly delicious _ . “I suppose, then, that I will be approaching my misbehaving snakelet as her  _ Queen _ . Thank you telling me this, Jughead, as your beloved father seems to have forgotten that I might have appreciated being  _ informed _ of things.” She exited her vehicle, an almost feral grin on her face. “Come along, children. This threat to your livelihoods ends tonight.”

 

Alice kept her hands firmly locked around Jughead and Archibald’s wrists, not trusting either to heed any of the warnings that she had given them before they had left the car, but, despite her hanger-ons, she entered the tattoo parlour like she owned the place. She supposed, that thanks to FP, she technically  _ did _ . 

 

It was glorious. 

 

“Is Penny Peabody here?” Alice asked the person nearest to the door, the ice in her tone tempered by a predatory smirk. Her victim nodded. “Please inform her that your  _ Queen _ requests an audience with her, and if she doesn’t appear before me promptly, my reaction will not be one of a fair ruler.” 

 

The hushed whispers that started as the others processed what she had said  _ did _ cause her heart to grow about ten sizes. It was nice to know that the presence of the long-missing Queen of the Serpents had the capability to cause a stir among the mundanes. And Alice Cooper of all people  _ admitting _ to being their Queen? Alice knew she would be the talk of the Wyrm for months. It was ego boosting, if she was honest with herself. 

 

“I thought they were pulling my leg,” she heard Penny drawl, and she got a good look at the current thorn in her side, pursing her lips in disapproval. “Look who my two little lackeys dragged in after all? Alice  _ Cooper _ .” 

 

“Don’t you dare take that tone with me,” Alice snapped. “I wonder if the New York State Bar is aware that you are practicing law via a system of bullying and bribes,  _ including people under the age of majority _ , in the rear of a tattoo parlor that I am  _ willing _ to bet is not licensed, judging by the condition of this establishment.” 

 

“How dare you implicate children in an adults’ game,” she continued. “These are  _ actual children _ , Penny. They aren’t their parents. Jughead is  _ not _ his parents.” 

 

Penny rolled her eyes. “Oh, cry me a river, Alice. What else was I supposed to do?”

 

“You, and  _ Tall Boy _ , should have had the sense not to expect a  _ sixteen year old boy _ to have  _ any idea _ what a ‘favor’ to you would entail. You know, you’re not the only one here with connections, Penny. I know  _ just  _ what you’re up to. You and Tall Boy, and your  _ Greendale  _ associates.” 

 

“What are you talking about?” 

 

“I think that you are well aware of which I speak,” Alice said, her tone pointed. “But, if you would like me to clarify, I would be glad to.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to let someone like  _ you _ order FP around. That’s  _ my  _ job. You would make my job  _ much  _ easier if you and Tall Boy learned your place. It has been  _ years _ and yet you still can’t figure that out.”

 

Penny gulped. She saw the blonde glance at her, and then at the two teenagers on either side. 

 

“You set me up?” 

 

“Oh, Penny, you make it so  _ easy _ ,” she purred. “I mean, really. I’m almost embarrassed.” If Penny Peabody believed that Alice Cooper had debased herself by utilizing the teenagers as undercover pawns, well, Alice couldn’t exactly say that it wasn’t unprecedented. So, she was going to allow this, offensive though she found the entire concept. “You and Tall Boy really thought that I wouldn’t notice your drug dealing with the Ghoulies? You really are naive. It’s like you don’t read my articles in the Register about all of you.” 

 

Penny gaped. Alice scowled. It was like trying to lecture Archibald. Or one of the unborn children of Polly’s that she would never see. Minus any sort of redeeming factor. 

 

“So,” she breathed, reaching over and plucking the USB that Penny was hiding in her bra, trying not to think hard about how she probably needed to burn her hand to retain sterility. “I will be taking that. And, I will be bringing this to the attention of my connections.” 

 

“Starting with me,” a familiar voice said, and Alice practically jumped a mile when she processed that it was FP Jones himself, standing dangerously close to her. “Heard that you were in the area, raising hell,” he murmured in her ear. “Thought that I was dreaming.” 

 

“Welcome to my living nightmare,” she muttered. “Today, it takes place on the Southside, where I discovered I was still  _ reigning royalty _ . You really need to inform me of these things, FP. How else will I know?” 

 

“What the hell were you two thinking?” FP demanded, and if he looped an arm around Alice’s waist, hand on her hidden tattoo, well, appearing as a unit was important. The Serpents barely listened to their rulers, even when commanded to. Tall Boy had emerged from the back, and Alice wrinkled her nose. 

 

“When was the last time you  _ bathed _ ?” 

 

“Oh, so you’re okay with aligning with the Northside, but not the Ghoulies?” Tall Boy exclaimed. “She’s not allowed to be here.”

 

“Why don’t you speak directly to my face, Tall Boy?” Alice commanded. “Tell me everything you want to say about me, I can take it.” 

 

“You can’t just come here and expect to be a Serpent again--”   
  


“Why not? FP did. I am just as entitled.” 

  
  


***

  
  


“So....” Tom Keller stared at Alice, as if he was expecting her to deviate from the story she had told him several times. “You mean to tell me that you, acting on an anonymous tip to the Register from someone in Greendale, took it upon yourself to conduct your own criminal sting?” 

 

“Well, given your inability to do them properly,” she said, her tone polite. “You can see why it would appeal to me.” 

 

“And, in doing so, you involved  _ both _ of the Forsythe Pendleton Joneses, Archibald Andrews, and yourself?” Alice nodded, and she tucked a strand of honeyed hair behind her ears. “I see. Why on earth did you not come to us?”

 

“The Register is allowed to do its own investigative reporting, independent of your office, Tom,” she said firmly. “While acting under my employ, we discovered evidence of a serious crime, and helped you apprehend its ringleaders. You ought to be thanking us. Not interrogating us like we’re common criminals. I am aware that is your opinion on Jughead and FP, I did not realize it extended to Archie Andrews and myself. I will be informing Fred of your--”

 

“Fine,” he sighed. “All of you are free to go. Just  _ please _ try to keep them under control? I don’t want to deal with any more disasters. Not with the Black Hood around.” 

 

“You really do not have to worry about that,” she sighed, and she flipped her hair over her shoulders. “I would like nothing more than to control them. By the way, aren’t you concerned about Kevin?” She widened her eyes, and affected a look of motherly concern. “Don’t you know? His ‘investigation’ was independent of me when he dated that Serpent. And poor Elizabeth. She says that he’s still soliciting those men at night. In that dreadful forest.” She stood, her work completed. “Toodles, Tom. I’ll collect my charges on the way out.” 

 

Unfortunately for Alice, only one of her self assigned charges remained: FP. “Where are the children?” She demanded. “Surely the Sheriff…”   
  


“I sent them home,” he said. “I can’t stand Red for more than ten minutes at a time, and that’s being generous. And I told Jughead that I wanted him to talk to Betty about what happened the other night. Which,” he added, and he stood and crossed the room to her. “Does leave the two of us. Think we should talk?”

 

“Yes, that would be nice,” she admitted. “Only if you want to, though.” 

 

“Yeah,” he said. “Thought maybe we could get some takeout, head to the trailer, try the whole...friends things out?”

 

“Well I’m certainly not inviting us over to the cesspool of teen angst that is  _ my _ house.”

 

“Would you, though? Invite me over?” 

 

“I  _ have _ invited you over,” she pointed out. “Yes, I suppose, I would invite you over, even if it wasn’t an elaborate ruse.” She sighed. “Come on, I’d really prefer to not be here much longer. The place gives me the creeps.” 

 

“Does me no favors,” he agreed. “Want me to drive?” 

 

“Yeah, alright,” she sighed. “I don’t suppose you convinced Archibald to remove his hideous letterman’s jacket from my car?” FP shook his head. “I didn’t think so.” 

 

“Thank you for what you did today,” FP said in a quiet tone, once they’d settled in the car and he’d peeled out of the parking lot. “You didn’t have to,” he added. “I tried to tell you there was nothing to worry about.”   
  


“No words send chills down my spine faster than you saying that there is nothing to worry about,” Alice informed him. “I know that we have had our differences, but I still care about you. Even if I rarely show it.” She sighed. “You need to speak to Jughead,” she told him. “I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, but you should know that  _ his _ plan to deal with Penny was... _ skinning off her tattoo _ .”   
  


“What?”   
  


“Do you think I would make that up?” She sighed. “Can we talk about what you said at Pop’s the other day? When you told me to leave Hal?”

 

“Nothin’ to talk about, cause you’ve made it pretty damn clear, you won’t.” 

 

“That’s not true,” Alice allowed, and she glanced in his direction. “Honestly, I’m considering it. Leaving him. It’s not like...I took him back for  _ Polly _ so that we could be a family, and she’s  _ gone again _ . She’s probably never coming back. And, I’m so tired of him. How he treats me.” She sighed. “Do you remember, FP, back in high school?”

 

“Yeah, Alice, I remember.” His voice was rough around the edges, and she impulsively put her hand over his. “How you left me without a goodbye?”

 

“I have to tell you why I left,” she admitted. “I need you to know before I make my decision.”

 

“What is it, Alice?”

 

“I had--I had your baby. I named him Charles. I had to put him up for adoption. I’m sorry, I should have told you, I was just so  _ scared _ and we weren’t  _ ready _ and I had to go  _ away _ because I was kicked out when everyone found out,” she knew she was rambling, but she couldn’t stop. “Elizabeth knows that I gave him up for adoption, but not about who his father is. Not because I’m ashamed, but because you needed to know.” She sniffled. “Anyways, she said that she’s going to try to find him. Did you want her to?”

 

“It’s okay,” he murmured, and Alice felt him wrap her in his arms. “Al, it’s okay. I don’t blame you.”

 

“You should.”   
  


“Maybe you think that, but I don’t,” he murmured. “Come on. We can talk more inside.”

 


End file.
